As I limped around the city last week-in the rain-I found myself looking for places to sit down, for ramps and elevators instead of stairs.  In short, I was getting a small taste of what it is like to be less than able-bodied.  By the end of the day, I could barely walk, was exhausted and soaking wet!

 It wasn’t pretty.

 But it made me think.

In “The Seven Secrets of Highly Successful People, Steven Covey illustrates the “habit” of seeing the world through the other person’s point of view with a personal story. He recalls a ride on a New York City subway early one Sunday morning.  He was disturbed by two young children wreaking havoc on the near-empty train while their father sat idly by.  Covey, disgusted with the kids’ antics that he spoke to their father about their behavior. 

According to Covey, the father- obviously distraught-apologized to Covey, telling him that the children were coming from the hospital where their mother had died an hour ago.  The father was letting the kids blow off some steam.  Covey was chagrined and embarrassed but learned a vital lesson-you never know what another person is thinking, doing or feeling.  From then on he reminded himself that being mindful of another person’s background listening was a critical factor in success.

 Of the seven ”Habits” this is one of the most powerful for me.

Limping around the city, I finally had a clear and visceral feeling about the challenges that people with limited physical ‘abilities’ must endure on a daily basis simply living their lives.  Granted, with surgery, I will likely be back to my old able-bodied self at some point and my limitations will be short term.  What will remain with me forever is a better understanding of and respect for the challenges that some people face.

It was quite a wake-up call when I realized that I needed to actually experience something to really understand it.  After all, I talk and write about this kind of stuff all the time! Yes, it was an “ah-ha” moment.

It made me realize that to truly level the playing field-and prevent bullying behavior and worse-we have to look for-or create-opportunities for kids to move from an intellectual understanding of others to a more visceral acceptance and respect.  Like Gandhi, they have to “be the change”.  And we to help them get there.

In our next post, we will be looking at some things that you can do immediately to help your kids experience life from another person’s point of view.

Don’t worry-it won’t hurt.

With Respect,

Deb

A Boy's Best Friend

As the author of three award-winning kids books that deal subtlely-some say not so subtlely-with promoting acceptance and respect of others to prevent bullying, I am always on the look out for other books that pack a wallop!   And A Boy’s Best Friend by Joan Alden is a big book in a small package! 

The main character, a nearly seven year-old boy named Will dreams of having a dog.  Unfortunately, he suffers from asthma, making living with a  dog out of the question.  His mother and her partner, Jeanine give him a stuffed dog which the boy falls in love with.  Will and the dog go everywhere and do everything together.  One day on the bus, some of the other children tease him about his attachment to the dog and Will’s penchant for treating the stuffed toy like a real dog by taking him to the park to ‘meet’ other dogs.- To make matters worse, the children throw Will’s beloved pet into a tree.  

When it falls into his arms when he calls the dog’s name, Will is even more convinced the dog is real and the children taunt him all the      more. When will tells the story about the teasing and the dog in the tree to his mother and her partner, his mother responds with the best line in the book, “Everyone is different.  When you don’t mind your differences they stop being a problem and become your distinction.”

It is also interesting how the author deals with the family’s structure.  It is handled well in both the text and illustrations, without any stereotyping.   Coupled with the handling of differences and living with asthma, this little book packs a big message-in a way that  all kids can relate to.

Bully prevention starts with empowering kids to respect and celebrate all cultures, choices and ‘abilities’.  Sometimes it is easier to share a story that resonates with kids in order to make your point.  And books like A Boy’s Best Friend certainly fit the bill.

When you choose books for kids keep in  mind that they learn a lot about the world from the books they read-or have read to them.  Just ask anyone who is waiting for Prince-or Princess Charming!

What books do you love for your kids?  What are the back stories?  How do you use them to confront difficult or uncomfortable topics.

With Respect,

Deb

San Gennaro

Today’s New York Times featured a story about a common-albeit fading custom-in Italian-American neighborhoods-the parading of a patron saint through the streets.  There are about 20 of these parades in the Little Italy section of New York-the celebration for San Gennaro being the most famous.

The parades have always been an important part of life in this ethic neighborhood-they help keep the spirit and faith of the early Italian immigrants alive.  If you lived in Little Italy, you knew the drill- pay your respects to the elaborately carved statues of the saint being honored by joining the parade, offering money or other tokens of respect. The parades are ”an important cultural event that reaffirms not just faith, but ties to the old neighborhood and the old country,” the article’s author reports

According to the Times the reactions of the Sunday morning crowd along the St. Cono parade route was underwhelming -ranging from mild disinterest to aggravation that the streets were closed for ‘one float and a horrible marching band’. 

Long-term residents believe the newcomers view their traditions with a combination of disdain and curiosity-but not respect.  They say they have moved many of their celebrations inside-they don’t feel that the newcomers appreciate or respect their traditions.  There have been incidents of downright harassment at some of the parades.

I wonder if the ability respect-and enjoy-another’s cultural tradition have gone the way of the horse and buggy. I wonder if we are missing an important way to expose our children to the traditions and cultures of our American melting pot.  I wonder if we are missing the opportunity to teach our kids what it is like to respect the culture and traditions of others.  I worry about what would happen if these wonderful traditions become things of the past.

In a world where we sometimes struggle to stay connected to our traditions and cultures, it seems that the parades provide a lesson to a simpler time where neighbors shared common ground and a commitment to creating a better world for their children. 

The parades-and other traditions like them-are a way for new generation of residents to teach their children about respect for other people, cultures and traditions that shouldn’t be sullied by complaining about road closures and a band that might not win any prizes on American Idol.

The words of astronomer, Dr. Carl Sagan resonate, “You have to know the past to understand the present.”

So when you see the ‘saints go marching in’, join the parade and have fun doing it.  You will be teaching your kids a lesson in respect that is unmatched by any book learning they will ever do!

With Respect,

Deb

Diversity by Hide and Seek

Remember when your mother used to hide your vegetables with applesauce to make them more palatable? 

For many kids-and adults for that matter-the hint of their parents teaching the mere mention of diversity will cause their eyes immediately roll upwards and the volume on their iPod magically increase.

 But, as your parents learned there are ways to make things go down a little easier-and without a ‘spoonful of sugar’.  The trick is to figure out how to make the applesauce.

1. Put diversity in context-no one likes to be lectured and your kids are no different.   Incorporate other cultural traditions into holidays you already know.  Look for similar holiday, i.e. New Years, Harvest Festival, December holidays.  This can take a little work, but there resources that help you put it all together.
2. Use kids books –books can be an invaluable tool to expose kids to different people, cultures, traditions, ‘abilities’ and choices. Think back to the story of Cinderella and ask yourself if you dreamed about your prince or ‘love’s first kiss’ to remind you how much these stories influenced you, taught you about the world and set examples on how things work.   There is a Cinderella story in virtually every culture.  In China, Cinderella befriends a fish which the stepmother cooks.  You kids might be interested in the shifts in this story from other cultures.  The kids will get the message that although the language and settings are similar the differences, i.e. that diversity are pretty cool.
3. Turn a critical eye to the media-the media is still a hot bed of stereotyping-subtle and not so subtle with both positive and negative stereotypes.  And this practice is not unique to Americans.  At the Athens Olympic Games, the Chinese media warned the public not to expect too much out of their track and field team.  Their view was that while the Chinese excelled in sports that took skill and finesse like gymnastics and diving, Chinese people couldn’t run.  They were very surprised when Liu took home a gold medal in the 400 meter hurdles.  As you watch TV and movies with your kids make sure you acknowledge beauty in talent in a variety of people.  You can combat the ‘only blonde is beautiful myth’. 
4. Learn with your children-make it a family project.  Cook-and eat –dumplings from China, Korea, France, Poland and Russia.  Dumplings are not only fun and delicious but they are ubiquitous around the world.   Again, you kids will get the message that there is not one perfect dumpling but each have unique tastes, smells, textures, etc.  The leap to making the connection that there is not one perfect type of person isn’t so great when you think about it on a full stomach! Learn another language; meet new people making an effort to seek out people who you may not ordinarily socialize with.

The upsides of incorporating diversity into your everyday life are significant.  Decades of social science research has proven that kids who are exposed to different people, places, traditions, etc are far less likely to become bullies or tolerate bullying behavior.  Kids will learn that different is just different, not better or worse-just different.  Since kids who are ‘different’ are often targets leveling the playing field materially affects the amount of bullying behavior.

Besides, learning about other countries, cultures and people is fun-and we all need more of that!

 With Respect,

Deb

Mowing and Modeling!

One minute I was mowing the lawn-congratulating myself on my self-sufficiency, independence and the example I was setting for my young daughter:  the next minute I was wrestling with a window air-conditioned-obviously too heavy and awkward for me to muscle myself.

 My daughter was witness to both efforts

Sure, mowing the grass is manageable and might even be a good example of ‘do it yourself-ness’ and with luck it dispels some misguided notion mowing the grass is ‘man’s work’-just as cooking and cleaning is the sole domain of women.  If nothing else, my daughter sees her modern, capable mother pushing a lawnmower back and forth and completing a job. 

All good stuff, right?

Now fast forward for that same mother sweating, swearing-oops-and struggling to move a too-heavy appliance into position.  Rather than modeling self-sufficiency and independence this modern and capable mother just modeled stupidity-by not asking for help.

As parents, we our kids want them to grow up strong and confident without outdated notions of what they can and can’t do based on their sex.  We model the behavior we want them to emulate.  We want them to be resilient and self-reliant.  We know that the more independent they are the more successful they will be.  But we also need to teach them-both boys and girls-to ask for help when they need it.  We need them to know that asking for help when needed is part of being strong-not of being weak.

That’s where I missed the boat. 

I had a perfect opportunity to show my daughter that smart, successful and yes, strong, independent people ask for help when they need it.  Instead, the opposite occurred.

I showed her that asking for help isn’t ok-that it is better to struggle against all odds rather than step back, evaluate the situation and bring in the help you need to get a job done-and I have the bruises, sore back and cracked air conditioner to show for it.

It is interesting how easy it is for good intentions to go awry….and the effect on our kids.

Think about that the next time you need help-and don’t ask for it!

With Respect,

Deb

The man behind the mosque-messages of peace and understanding

There is a big flap in lower Manhattan because the community board there has overwhelmingly voted (29 t0 one), to move forward with a plan to build a mosque and Islamic Cultural Center a stone’s throw from Ground Zero.   Interestingly and less widely reported is the fact that the mosque is currently in the neighborhood and is simply moving to larger quarters. 

Also noted, the iman, Feisal Abdul Rauf is an outspoken and documented moderate committed to fighting radicalism. His messages center on tolerance and peace. Rauf has prevailed-as it should be

However, these facts don’t diminish the outrage that some feel when they hear that a mosque will be sharing the same air space as the former World Trade Center.  Some feel this is an egregious affront to those who lost their lives on September 11^th as well as an endorsement of religious extremism that many believe go hand and glove with Islam.

Would we have the same outrage if a Roman Catholic Church moved into the shadow of the Alfred P. Murrah Building in Oklahoma City?  After all, Timothy McVeigh was raised as a Catholic and regularly attended daily Mass at Good Shepherd Church in Pendleton, New York.

What if one of the nine or so other Christian Churches within a half-mile radius of the Murrah Building needed some room to stretch?  Would we raise a ruckus because a Christian church ‘living’ next door to the site of a terrible tragedy was disrespectful of those who died and the families that lost loved ones?

Of course not.

Timothy McVeigh does not represent all Christians any more than the men behind the horrific tragedy that was 9/11 represent all those who practice Islam.

If we truly want our children to live in a peaceful-and yes, bully-free world, we have to consciously fight stereotypes-no matter how painful.  While we can’t-and shouldn’t excuse or accept extremists and their behavior we always have to remember that the actions of a few do not represent everyone in a group.

We want our children to respect and celebrate all cultures, choices and ‘abilities’ and to judge people for who they are and how the act-not on how they might act someday.  And we want our children to be judged by the same standards.

We should be outraged by people who violate the sanctity of human life-for whatever the reason, but we need also need to accept that there are people-with similar background to those whose actions we deplore- who are working for peace and harmony.

Our kids take their lead from us.

Let’s make sure we are focused on helping them create a world that is safe and peaceful-free of bias and bullying.

The proverbial buck stops with us.

 With Respect,

Deb

Social networking sites are great: you can express yourself easily keep in touch with friends-old and new-and even look for work. But for kids, social networking sites pose risks that can put our kids in situations that range from merely uncomfortable to downright dangerous.

An article in a local rural paper reported the rape of a16 year-old girl by a 19 year-old man she ‘met’ online. The alleged rapist, who used several names online, lured the girl over a period of several weeks, culminating in agreement to meet in person. 

 Sadly, this pattern is being repeated every day and in every community across the country.  The Internet, along with computers, cells phones, gaming devices and other electronic gizmos that our kids covet, have made it impossible to totally shield our kids from people who wish to do them harm.

 There had always been a disconnect between what we tell kids to do, the example we set and what the kids actually do. For example, have you ever told your kids to eat their vegetables or lose dessert while you skipped the veggies and ate dessert anyway? .Are we really that surprised when the kids surreptitiously feed their unwanted vegetables to Fido when they think we aren’t looking. 

 That same disconnect exists between what we say about participating on social networking sites what we actually do on social networking sites and what kids do on similar sites. And while slipping some peas to the pooch doesn’t have the same serious potentially deadly consequences as online behavior, the patterns of ‘do as I say and not as I do’ have never been more dire.

 DISCONNECT # 1 POSTING PERSONAL INFORMATION

 What we say: “don’t post personal information online”

 What we do: Take a look at your Facebook (or other social network) page. Is your name and picture there?  How about your phone number, email address and city where you live.  If you are like most adults the information on your social networking pages contains lots of personal information that we assume that is shared among ‘friends’.

 What kids are doing: According to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children 61% of kids 13-17 have posted personal information on social networking sites

DISCONNECT # 2 NO ONE YOU MEET ONLINE IS A FRIEND

What adults say: “Never agree to meet anyone you have only ‘met’ online.”

What we do: Match.com; eHarmony-enough said

What Kids Are Doing:  According to NCMEC, 30% of kids surveyed have considered meeting someone they met online and fully 22% of kids 16-17 surveyed actually followed through.  Some ended up like the young lady in that small town. You don’t want your child counted in those statistics

DISCONNECT #3 TELL ME ABOUT IT

What adults say: “let me know If anyone you don’t know who asks you for personal information, photos or videos or you get unsolicited obscene content from people or companies you don’t know, misleading url’s, or anything that smacks of child pornography.”

What we do: we hardwire kids NOT to be tattle-tales and to follow directions of adults without question.  We often shy away from discussing ‘forbidden’ topics like sex.

What kids are doing: They keep things from us. Maybe they don’t want the emotional baggage of being a tattle-tale. Maybe they are afraid we are going sever their electronic lifelines by denying them access to the Internet. Maybe they are craving information on the very ‘forbidden’ topics that we may be uncomfortable talking about.  Whatever the reason, kids will often keep information about what happens online to themselves.

DISCONNECT # 4 STRANGER DANGER

What adults say: “don’t talk to strangers”

What we do: we talk to strangers all the time: on the bus, at the grocery store and online.  We even talk to kids we don’t know when they are with their parents and expect those kids to talk with us. And let’s not forget match.com; eHarmony, LinkedIn ad nauseum.

What kids are doing: Kids-aware of ‘stranger danger’-might not be engaging with strangers at the mall but the perceived safety and  anonymity of cyberspace tricks kids into venturing into conversations they would never consider in the real world. Kids with blogs can get lured into conversations with unknown people who use the information in their blogs to get to know them and gain their trust.  And since, it is easy to assume any online persona kids-and others-can carry on conversations without really knowing who is on the other end

 DISCONNECT # 5 SECURITY MATTERS

What we say: “never give your password to anyone else”

What we do: According PC Magazine the two most common passwords are ‘password’ and 123456.  While we might not hand our passwords over on purpose, it doesn’t take a sophisticated hacker to access most online accounts. 

What kids are doing: You guessed it-Kids are sharing their passwords with each other.  While it might not seem like a big deal that your daughter’s pal got into her Webkinz™ account and drained her Kinzcash™ stash, the stakes get higher as the kids get older and are able to post inappropriate content that could be harmful and/or downright dangerous.

Parenting isn’t getting any easier as technology increases our kids’ ability to communicate with almost anyone from almost anywhere, but in the face of the incredible pace of change that surrounds us some tried and true tenets hold true.  If we want our kids to do something our way, then we better be willing to do it too.

From peas to PDAs, our kids will follow our lead!

Reconnect the disconnect-for your kids’ safety!

With Respect,

 Deb

Newly crowned Ms. USA-a reflection of divesity in the US

When was the last time you saw positive coverage of a person of Arabic decent portrayed in a positive light-let alone a woman of Arabic decent covered positively?  Scary to think about it, isn’t it?

Many Americans do harbor negative feelings about anyone-even Americans-with Arabic bloodlines.  We are bombarded with images of people from the Middle East  as machine gun toting or underware-bombing terrorists.  We are becoming conditioned to look askance at anyone whom we believe to be of Middle Eastern decent. 

And of course, when there is bias-bullying is sure to be there as well.

So what does Rima Fakih, the newly crowned Ms. USA have to do with stereotyping and bullying? 

Plenty.

Ms. Fakihi is likely the first American of Arabic descent (her parents immigrated from Lebanon when she was a baby)to win the coveted (by some) title of Ms. USA, and whether she likes it or not has the opportunity to dispell deeply-held stereotypes about Arab-Americans, immigrants and Muslims.

Yes, Ms. Fahih represents the proverbial triple crown of stereotyping and bias in our post-September 11th world.

I hope that she got her ‘tripping’ done at the pageant-she apparently tripped on the hem of her evening gown-and sets out to be a terrific role model for all-and helps us slowly dismantle the circles of bias, stereotyping and bullying that threatens us all.

Way to go, Rima!

With Respect,
Deb

As we celebrated Mother’s Day,  a friend related a horrific story about bullying in her daughter’s high school. 

It seems that a group of high school girls had singled out a new student as a target.  Among some of the antics, the girls went so far as to invite the new student to a non-existent party.  All of us can imagine what this young girl must have felt as she arrived-probably thrilled to have been invited-to a darkened house.

The story sparked a heated discussion around the table. 

My friend, who lives in the community, was outraged, but hesitant to speak out for fear that her own children might become victims-and this was no idle fare.  Outright bullying and ostracism of children-as a consequence of a parent’s speaking out has occurred in this community before.  If fact, many people simply throw up their hands and say, ‘it’s just the way the community is’.  It reminded me of the stories of the Germans who threw up their hands and said there was nothing that they could do about Hitler!

So, the question remains can we stop and prevent bullying?

I would argue that we can, must and should work towards creating an environment where all of our children are safe from bullying-in any form.  The trick is to start early and to keep reminding kids-and parents-what bullying is-and isn’t. 

Bullying in any shape or form is simply not acceptable.  It is not a rite of passage or something that kids (or adults, for that matter) have to accept. 

It is not something to be ignored or to be made light of. 

Kids won’t grow out of it.

And yes, there are things that we can do to prevent bullying from happening and to stop it if it is happening to your children now.  And yes, it is a huge and growing problem in our country and around the world.  But like many overwhelming problems the first step is oftentimes the hardest step.

Let’s take the first step together and start looking at our role in bullying (and believe me, none of us is immune!) and then let’s make the choice to eliminate bullying one step, one child, one family, one school and one community at a time.

With Respect, Deb